Briahna Ebelmare's Journal

Entry #1

I feel useless.

I was never the best tactician. I work pretty well with Liara and together we’ve accomplished a lot. Beyond that though I’ve never felt like “a leader”. I don’t know if I ever will. Every choice I make potentially sends dozens, hundreds or maybe more to their death. I have to live with that. The one place I did matter was in battle. I’m not particularly strong or fast but I never really needed to be. I could clear away enemy troops, blast larger targets and if anyone got to close to someone I cared about I would hit them until they just weren’t there anymore.
I was useful.

Since I’ve come back though it’s like I don’t have a place anymore. I was only gone for days but it feels like the world has moved on without me. Standing next to Fie and having my powers not work was one of the worst feelings I’ve ever had. I have never needed to hold a weapon before. I certainly never had to train with one. He had to carry me through that fight and it could have gotten us both killed. All because I tagged along. No matter what I said to Una, I knew deep down that if something were to have happened to Fie then I would have been to blame for that.

Speaking of Una, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her that angry before. Angry is normally her default but this was worse. Way worse. I honestly thought she was going to hit me, I almost wanted her to really. I knew that I screwed up and I wanted to pay for that deep down. I could deal with her punching me. Hell, I mean I have dealt with her punching me but I couldn’t take that look in her eyes. If you looked past all the anger and rage and even concern there was something else. Disappointment. I could hear it in her voice, like she had put time and effort into me that she now thought was wasted.

That hurt more than anything.

What happened next was just confusing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that it happened. I just don’t know where that leaves us. Are we…together now? I like her a lot and I know she cares for me but the way she just took off afterward doesn’t fill me with hope. Maybe she can’t deal with feelings that aren’t punching. Maybe she thought getting involved with me was a mistake. Maybe she just didn’t like the kiss. I’m going to have to talk to her about it at some point. More importantly I’m going to have to talk about my powers with her. I want to stay here with the group because I really think I can make some kind of difference but I don’t want to endanger anyone. I know she’s going to fight me on this.

I sat up late thinking about all of that until I just fell asleep on the couch in the living room. I slept through the whole night. Not a single nightmare. I can’t remember the last time that’s happened. I did however wake up to the thud of a large half-orc being slammed on the coffee table next to me, but that was a small price to pay.

My hand is still a bit sore where Jadzia had to cut into it. I’m intensely glad that nothing happened to her. I like her. She’s been through some rough stuff from what I can gather but she hasn’t let it stop her. Of course having a huge tielfing bodyguard doesn’t hurt I guess. I really did enjoy that one night of peaceful sleep. I mention that again because I do believe that will be the last one I ever truly have after seeing what happened to Vallus. I can’t even imagine the pain he was going through. I don’t know if there are words to describe it. I’d rather not ask him to see.

Hmm, the group seems to be talking about Ironhide. I’ll write more later.